Madeline
Hannah’s pounding heart finally slowed and she put her hand to her chest to verify she had finally calmed down. This is not how she wanted to spend her Saturday morning and yet, again, he let her down by coming home at two in the morning the previous night. Was she let down because he did something wrong, or was it because she had expectations he could not live up to? Was she wrong, or was he? She was sure it was him.
She did not feel as though her expectations were unreasonable. She wanted him to be a good husband and father. That meant coming home after work on weekdays, helping with the children, and if he goes out at night on a weekend, coming home at a decent hour. Was she being completely unreasonable with these simple requests? Nearly ten years of the same nonsense was making Hannah think she was being the unreasonable one in this shaky relationship. She, after all, was a working mom, who was always with the children when she was not at work.
Hannah looked at the door she had slammed only a few minutes prior. Not yet seeing a tiny head show on their face this morning surprised her, but it was a matter of minutes before they would. She could feel Reily’s presence in the next room, tens of feet away, and wondered what he was thinking at this moment. Did he realize what he was doing to her or did he think he was on the right to leave her behind to take care of their family?
Hannah stood up from the bed she used to share with Riley. Now, he mostly slept on the couch when she locked him out of their shared bedroom, usually after a night out for Riley, just like the previous night. That selfish act started her frustration with him to begin with.
The previous night, Hannah had heard the front door shut, waking her, and likely all three children in their beds, from a deep sleep. He was never quiet, and that was part of the problem. Or was that none of the problem and only something Hannah could use as ammunition in their fights, as if the more bullets she had in the battle the more likely she was to win the war?
She reached for the brass knob of the door, turning and pulling simultaneously. She wanted this marriage to work and if that was the case; they needed to resolve this issue. But was it resolvable? Did she really want it to work? If nothing else, that was the straightforward thing to do.
She found Reily on the couch in the living room. A pillow and a blanket ruffled behind him, his head in his large hands and his pointy elbows on his shaky knees. It made her feel better. He was feeling pain, too.
Silence hung in the room that held unsaid thoughts. Who was going to speak first? Hannah opened her mouth, then closed it, hoping that Riley would start the conversation. After a few moments, when it was certain Riley would not be the first to speak up, Hannah gathered her scattered thoughts.
She needed to start this difficult conversation delicately. Her priority in this moment was to save the marriage, not to prove Riley was wrong, like she spent most of their arguments doing. In order to save the marriage, she needed him on the right side, even if the right side was not exactly her side.
“I’m sorry for coming out here and blowing up at you earlier this morning,” Hannah said.
“You could have woken the kids.”
“You could have woken the kids’ last night…” Hannah closed her eyes and took a deep breath, remembering her goal to save the marriage, not to win the battle. “Yes, I know. We have a few quick minutes before they show their beautiful faces and we need to figure this out. This is not working as we are right now. How can we fix this problem?”
“We can’t fix this.”
“Don’t say that.”
“I am moving out and leaving this marriage. I am leaving you.”
“We could go to therapy. Jenny and Brad had a great therapist that saved their marriage. We could… wait. Did you say you are moving out and leaving this marriage?”
Riley looked up at her with his big blue glassy eyes. “I met someone new, and I think it is best for us to divorce. This marriage isn’t working. You know it and I know it.”
“You met someone?”
“I met her a few weeks ago…”
“In a bar?” Hannah raised her voice at “bar”.
“No, actually, it was at the gym. It was nothing at first and then…”
“You met another woman and you want to leave me? Leave this family? Leave our kids?”
“I don’t want to leave our kids, just you. I found an apartment big enough for the kids to visit. They each will have their own rooms…”
“Visit?”
“The lease on the apartment starts later today. I’m going to pack a few bags and I will be out of here by noon.”
Hannah couldn’t believe what she was hearing. She wanted to fix this marriage. She wanted Riley to want to fix this marriage. But it was over. The whole thing was over. He was flushing ten years of marriage down the drain.
She wasn’t sure if she was relieved that Riley made a decision that would end the arguing about his absence for good or if she wanted to decide. If she had made the frightful decision that would work for them and their marriage, she would make the decision that he would change his frat boy life. If it were up to her, he would come home at night. She didn’t need to change. She was doing her best as a mother and a contributor to the house income.
He was deciding, not her, and the decision was to leave her and the home and get out of this difficult situation. How could he be so selfish? How could he be so selfish to have a life outside of her and the kids? Or more correctly, how could he have a life without her and with someone new? He flushed ten years down the drain. Hannah was substantially furious with his decision.
A small voice came from the hallway, “Mommy?”
